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konstantinette

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[22 Jul 2004|01:00pm]
ADD ME @ itsdark

NOW

NOW
NOOOOW
NOWOWOW
NOW
OWNW
NWO

NOW
dflsdf'.

\[];hjfg11111fd11

gfl,dsl538967359nvlmb gg
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[17 Jun 2004|09:19pm]

and theeeeeeen he tells me that one of the REAL reasons he did what he did is because of another girl.

 

haha.

 

i fucking kneeee-eee-eeew it

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Alone Today. Tomorrow. Forever. [15 Jun 2004|08:47am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I woke up alone today. I mean I usually wake up by myself, the only person in the bed, but usually he’s there too. Watching me and loving me for what I am, for what I do. Now he’s not there. He’s not there anymore and I’m completely alone.

I can see myself standing on a sheet of glass. With each step I take, the sheet creaks and groans, sagging under my dead weight. Gradually the glass became thicker, and harder, until it’s a mile of solid steel. Then the steel cracks into tiny pieces, and I’m sent plunging into a dust-filled never ending pit.

The one thing that held me above water, that kept me from going under is fucking gone. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, because now he’s feeling hurt. So we’re broken now, like a steel floor.

After it happened I went into my room and cried. Not just.. crying, but actual, heart-breaking crying. I ripped his picures off the wall and threw them across the room. I was so mad. How can he just give up like that? I wasn’t going to give up. Sure, I thought about how much it hurt, but I never, not once, said, “Next time I talk to him, I’m telling him it’s over.”

It hurts so much.

I went into my Mutti’s bathroom and I swallowed quite a few pills, just to numb the pain so I would sleep because I had an exam. I started to black out though, another hypo attack combined with the pills, most likely. So I hurried into my bathroom and I made myself throw up. The pills didn’t come, so I did it again. Then again. Nothing. So I went to bed, and cried some more.

I felt, and still feel, like there’s absolutely nothing for me to grasp onto anymore. There’s no solid ground, he ripped it away before we even had the chance. He has no faith, and then he took away what little I had.

So here I am, at 8:30 in the morning. Hating him and hating everything about him. The worst part is, his name is everywhere. I’m going to be thinking about him until I die, old and alone with twenty cats.

Maybe it’s my fault. I knew I shouldn’t have told him after he told me. I had to say it though, I had to let him know that I loved him. I didn’t think about what would come from here. I didn’t think about how much hurt would consume us.

I did think about how many people were against us. I dreaded things turning out this way. I suppose in the back of my head I knew we couldn’t do it, but I always shut it out. I just need something to hold onto.

Actually, the worst part is, I am still completely and madly in love with him.

I hate him for that.


Dear Michael,

You gave up on me, and I'm going to be honest, it tore my entire world to shreds. You were my sanctuary. Every poem I wrote, it was about you. Every song I sang, it was about you. Every story I told, it was about you. I knew it was hard. You knew I had such a difficult time trusting guys, but I trusted you. Completely. You said, "I'll never hurt you" and you even told my cousin that. You told that to everyone, "I swear I won't hurt her".

Not only did you hurt me, but you killed me too.

Okay, listen. I could have waited for you. That's what love is. I could have waited a million years for you.
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This pleases me. [14 Jun 2004|05:56pm]
konstantinette's LJ stalker is spcrackwhore!
spcrackwhore is stalking you because they have nothing better to do with their time. They are also stalking you in real life. Look out!


LiveJournal Username:


LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com
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[02 Jun 2004|07:15pm]
when my brothers and me aren't fighting, i get this strange feeling of oneness. like someone actually cares about me and im loved. i dont know, it just feels nice not to get yelled at all the time. i love my brothers.</p>

school is almost over. thats good. but i really dont want to lose touch with people.. you know? i dont want things to change next year. i dont want anyone to change. i hate change.

but i love it too.

is that weird? i dont know how to explain it... i like changes that are good, and fun... but i hate the whole idea of things being different. you know? hmm yes.

im doing my monologue tomorrow but i dont have it all memorized. im going to go work on that now before i regret it.

...ah.

*loves*

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[27 May 2004|04:49pm]

mr pfinder is a stanky old biatch and that is all i have to say about THAT.

unf, why does everything have so be so hard nowadays? does anyone feel this but me? lately i feel like my world is slowly crushing me and forcing all of the bad things in my life to dance naked infront of my face. i keep bursting into tears and scaring my friends. i even saw some of them crying when i was crying. i dont want that to happen. sometimes i wish no one cared about me so i wouldnt bring them down. sometimes i feel responsible for other peoples problems. i just wanna help people. i dunno what to do anymore

i cant wait until the summertime. its going to consist of nothing but jenna, mike, and friends. all friends, i will NOT cry at all this summer. no more tears, i think im dehydrated from it all.

so, what happened today in school you ask? well let's see.

b period was fun, i helped amara block out the beginning of her monologue. i didnt get a chance to practice mine, but thats okay cause i didnt wanna do it there anyways... i have to do alot of screaming and i was too afraid to do it infront of the classroom when i had basically no idea what i was doing yet. i like practicing things when im home alone, cause i can scream and shout and talk to myself without getting yelled back at. anyways, i hope i get it done soon. ackies.

a period we did a lab on the external frog. AHHHH it was so saddddd it looked so helpless. braden was cutting the jaw, and i was holding the mouth open and i was leaning on his shoulder as we did it, and then he cuts and it SNAPS really loudly and we both screamed. it was so funny, braden is the man. he likes to make fun of me, its hilarious. and mike brown is a terrible person, hahah. he put his frog over my binder and stuff dripped off of it and fell onto my stuff. i made him clean it up. hahhaa

lunch i went to the sportsplex with lucy. shes a good girl, so so so funny. we talked about the fair and how squashing people on certain rides is fun. like brothers HAHAHAHA

c period was the funniest thing ever, we were with the other class. so me, lucy, amara, and christine were all in the cardio room and them we go to get a drink. lucy and amara went to another "better" fountain (pff) and me and christine were just talking. i took a drink and then i had water on my chin so i lifted the end of my shirt to wipe it off.... BIG MISTAKE!!!! some boys in a nearby classroom got quite a good look at me. ahahahahhaha i love it. and later in the halls they saw me and were like "THATS THE GIRL" to their friends, haahahhahahahahhahahahha. im not embarrassed, its so weird. oh well, i like making a fool of myself.

d we had off, so trudy, dj, anna and i went to mcdonalds and i bought anna a mcflurry. shes such a sweet girl!!!!

so that was my day. then i came home and read the letter my dad wrote to mr chisolm about pfinder and the whole situation.

go team huffman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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[16 May 2004|04:19pm]

Things going through Kara's mind as of late :

  • people are HOES
  • i felt like a bitch last night at the party. but i was just worried!!!
  • i really should straighten my hair
  • i also really should be studying
  • i need to clean my room before i get castrated by ''the owners''
  • summer is coming.... YAY, PUCKNESS!!!
  • my dad should really STOP looking at porn
  • i dont like it when people copy me :(
  • i think people should leave my Dead Poetic alone.
  • i love mike burd
  • i need a good cuddle
  • "i'll find you."
  • hello there, angel from my nightmare, shadow in the background of the morgue
  • i want mashed potatoes. :(
  • im both sad and happy that the play is over
  • boys are stupid.
  • all of them.
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[14 May 2004|05:13pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Today is the second preformance. Well, in the evening anyway. We did the end of the play for the school today which I thought was really stupid. We should have dont the first half. Cause then people would have been like "OMIGAWD I HAFTA GO AND SEE THE END!!!!!!!!!!EEEEEEEE!"
But whatever. Since when does it matter what I think?

Blee.

My hair feels so gross. It's all full of hairspray and stuff. Yucky, I feel grody.

Tonight my family is going. Not GayJay though. I sorta wanted him to come. Oh well, it's okay if he doesn't love me.

Apparently he (AJ) and his friend are trying to find their own place. I went in my room and cried when my mutti told me... ugh. I love my brothers so much, they are the ones who raised me. I don't want him to leave :( no matter how annoying he can be. Stayyyy AAAJJJJ.

;_;

And yep I'm definitely fucked up. Am I being played? Does he like me? What's going ON??!?!?! I need to know if he really likes me or what so I don't waste my time.

*flies away*

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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[10 May 2004|12:58pm]
I'm bored and I'm writing weird poems.... read. Tell me what you think!

Breathe.

It was an arduous but soft night
Like her breathing
It was hard to do
She told her body over and over
Breathe, Breathe
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
She ignored herself and he did too
He smirked harshly and held his breath
She didn’t want him to
But he did
She attempted to force him
To breathe his breath
To live
To die of old age
To see his family grow
But he held it and watched her cry
The tears fell down her white cheeks
She still didn’t breathe
She was crying and he was sad
She cried.
It was a pin-drop but vast morning
Like their hearts
It was hard to live
Without each other but they had to
Live, she told herself.
Live, he said.
Live, Live, Live.
Why?
He ignored his destroyed soul and she did too
He didn’t want her to hurt
But she frowned and did anyway.
He cried, She cried.
They were dying with and behind that wall
That wall that we can’t break down
She clawed at it and he punched it
He was mad
She cried.
They need each other to survive
But there’s no way
She needs the dove
He needs the love
They need life together
Breathe, breathe,
Live, live.
Breathe, Live.
Breathe.


In the air.

I like it when you scream
Cause pain’s the undying theme
Here.
This is when we all scream
six billion emo cries
They said,
“Let’s sing our pain out”
and they tried to.
We shouted out to freedom
But freedom laughed in our faces
And we sobbed
Our eyes were fogged
With the shadows of our love
We looked around
At each other
And shrugged our right shoulders.
Infants, children, teenagers.
Adults, grandma’s, grandpa’s.
Everyone of all ages and cultures
Came together and said,
“Let’s sing our pain out”
and they did
six billion fists in the air
six billion emo cries
and for three and a half minutes
there was no racism no war
no hatred no more
we were all singing the same thing
together
all of us in a language we made up
we all speak it
it’s called love
we said,
“This our prayer of dispair and affair
We’re screaming our pain out,
six billion fists in the air”
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[03 May 2004|09:04pm]
I feel stupid. I sure wish I had some un-stupid pills.
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[25 Feb 2004|04:35pm]
[ mood | amused ]

The only reason I'm getting a journal again is because Puck told me to and that's that. I haven't come crawling back because I need guidance or whatever from stupid people on friends lists. My life is fine now. It didn't used to be, but now it is.

That's a lie. There's something you need to know about me if you're going to be reading my journal. I am very sarcastic and moody sometimes, but usually not much. I get hyper easily and if you don't like one-liners, then you can kiss my fucking ass and turn right back around. The end. Because I don't want to talk to you.

If you're racist, sexist, or any of those stupid fucking things, turn around too. My journal is not a place that people can comment with rude things in, and I will not stand for it. It's sad enough if you have a problem with all that, just don't spread it around to the world. Ya'll need to learn to love one another, yo.

Also this isn't the place for you if you don't like swearing. Because I do that a lot.

I'm cooler than I seem, I swear. Woowoooooowoooowoowoowoowooo.

This is me. Love me, love me...
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