konstantinette (konstantinette) wrote,

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Alone Today. Tomorrow. Forever.

I woke up alone today. I mean I usually wake up by myself, the only person in the bed, but usually he’s there too. Watching me and loving me for what I am, for what I do. Now he’s not there. He’s not there anymore and I’m completely alone.

I can see myself standing on a sheet of glass. With each step I take, the sheet creaks and groans, sagging under my dead weight. Gradually the glass became thicker, and harder, until it’s a mile of solid steel. Then the steel cracks into tiny pieces, and I’m sent plunging into a dust-filled never ending pit.

The one thing that held me above water, that kept me from going under is fucking gone. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, because now he’s feeling hurt. So we’re broken now, like a steel floor.

After it happened I went into my room and cried. Not just.. crying, but actual, heart-breaking crying. I ripped his picures off the wall and threw them across the room. I was so mad. How can he just give up like that? I wasn’t going to give up. Sure, I thought about how much it hurt, but I never, not once, said, “Next time I talk to him, I’m telling him it’s over.”

It hurts so much.

I went into my Mutti’s bathroom and I swallowed quite a few pills, just to numb the pain so I would sleep because I had an exam. I started to black out though, another hypo attack combined with the pills, most likely. So I hurried into my bathroom and I made myself throw up. The pills didn’t come, so I did it again. Then again. Nothing. So I went to bed, and cried some more.

I felt, and still feel, like there’s absolutely nothing for me to grasp onto anymore. There’s no solid ground, he ripped it away before we even had the chance. He has no faith, and then he took away what little I had.

So here I am, at 8:30 in the morning. Hating him and hating everything about him. The worst part is, his name is everywhere. I’m going to be thinking about him until I die, old and alone with twenty cats.

Maybe it’s my fault. I knew I shouldn’t have told him after he told me. I had to say it though, I had to let him know that I loved him. I didn’t think about what would come from here. I didn’t think about how much hurt would consume us.

I did think about how many people were against us. I dreaded things turning out this way. I suppose in the back of my head I knew we couldn’t do it, but I always shut it out. I just need something to hold onto.

Actually, the worst part is, I am still completely and madly in love with him.

I hate him for that.

Dear Michael,

You gave up on me, and I'm going to be honest, it tore my entire world to shreds. You were my sanctuary. Every poem I wrote, it was about you. Every song I sang, it was about you. Every story I told, it was about you. I knew it was hard. You knew I had such a difficult time trusting guys, but I trusted you. Completely. You said, "I'll never hurt you" and you even told my cousin that. You told that to everyone, "I swear I won't hurt her".

Not only did you hurt me, but you killed me too.

Okay, listen. I could have waited for you. That's what love is. I could have waited a million years for you.
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